"I thought you were a Christian"

This is absolutely without a doubt my biggest pet peeve. When I stumble and hear someone say, "but aren't you supposed to be a Christian?" Yes, yes I am. I am a Christian. I should definitely be held to a higher set of standards, but the only thing it shows me is that whoever says things like this has absolutely no idea what it means to be a Christian.

I think the annoyance for me began while I was in high school. I went to a Christian Private school, and while I absolutely refuse to make a judgement about anyone's heart and/or their salvation I will still say we were kids. The difference in us and public school kids came down to the fact that our parents paid tuition to keep us in a smaller environment and out of the public school system. It always made me laugh with all of the things that were most likely going on with the public school system we were the school broadcasted on the news when something happened that didn't appear "Christian." I loved my high school, even loved the bible classes and chapel but the label was on the school, not on each and every one of the students in the body. While that bothered me, I kind of understood because I knew that Christians are held to a higher standard, but at the same time I believe the school as an institution tried but when it came right down to it no one can control anyone else. So that is my rant on defending my school and the people I went with at the same time...

I was raised in church, my mom read me bible stories before bedtime. My aunt showed me pretty pictures of heaven and I told her I wanted to go there, so I was baptized at 6. I always knew who Jesus was and said so when I was asked. But being a Christian is so much more than just saying that. In elementary school it wasn't so much an issue, in junior high it got tougher, in high school I was thoroughly confused, and after high school....it has been quite the roller coaster. Since I have already defended the school and its students now I'll talk about myself in high school. Quite simply I was all over the place. At that point in time I was living about four different lives: the me I was with my family, the me I was with the boy of that time period, the me I was with my friends from Odessa, and the me I was with my newest friends in Midland. There are a lot of things I think I did right, but there's a lot more I think I did wrong. If you got me on an off a day I probably said something to you that you will never forget, I could be absolutely brutal. (If one of those people is reading this, you should know I remember it too and still hold myself accountable.) No words could apologize enough in some of those cases. No one was safe from that, probably one of the worst things I ever did was to one of my very best friends. I think about a month ago I apologized once again. Thankfully she loves me and forgave me years ago. I don't remember what the on days looked like, I probably was literally all over the place. I had one group of friends I was always friends with but I also had other groups I'd bounce in and out of. I can't think of very many people I didn't like there, even though I can think of several who hated me. :) I think a lot of the time I was too caught up in my own world to pay attention. Something I am proud of is that I made it to sweet 17 with never being kissed. I wanted that perfect first kiss, and depending on how you look at it, it was worth the wait. Another thing I am proud of is that I was able to love someone (as much as a 15-18 year old girl can) without breaking the morals and values my mom had taught me. But I lost myself in all of that. Senior year through me for a loop. It tested me in ways I was not quite ready for and stressed me out beyond the point of being healthy. God tested me over and over and over. I prayed and cried. I sought mentors and advice. Two ladies at my school held my hand and walked me through the things I was struggling with, trying everything they could think of to help me find myself. Finally on March 16, 2005, I found the me I wanted to be. A portion of my testimony is in my yearbook from that year. I say portion, because of everything that has happened since then. That day still sticks out so clearly in my mind, the freedom I felt was indescribable. Accepting Christ, being saved those are actions that demand other actions to back them up. It was about three weeks later that I received my first test on my new walk. I failed miserably. Once people found out, which they always do in a small school or small town, especially since I have such a big mouth. I heard a lot of the "Didn't she just get saved?" Yes I had and their words did nothing to me. I felt like a complete failure all by myself. But the school year ended without further incident and in the fall I went to ACU. I was in the middle of the bible belt, surrounded with a wonderful group of friends. Easy again. But I was still living life and layers, ACU was just another personality, but I didn't mind because the girl I was there was the person I wanted to be. Second semester, A LOT happened. I could go into it now but that's a story for another day. Probably one I'll never type, but if you knew me then and have questions I'm more than willing to answer them. My relationship with Christ suffered. I walked away. I was so lost. It wasn't that I didn't want to follow Him anymore, it was that I was searching the world for things that made me happy in the moment. That train of thought lead me down a path that is full of the things I mentioned before that would bring out reactions of shame and regret. The paths I was taking kept leading me to the same end result. I wasn't happy. I knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to keep living in layers, I didn't want the life I had been living. I found the answer through a great bible study group. With those girls I held myself completely accountable. Told them everything I had done and that I was not perfect, I would never be perfect, but I am a Christian and would continue to pursue Christ. It was awesome and so freeing, not feeling like I had to conceal my past in order to be accepted and loved. Here I am now...it has been almost seven years since the day I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and decided to follow Him. It has been over 3 years since I began to pursue Him, and its been about 4 months since I discovered I can never do it enough. But He has been pursuing me for nearly 25 years. How crazy is that?!

So what does it mean to be a Christian? Is it saying, "I'm a Christian," or "I believe in God."? Is it going to church once a week? Is it having a Christian bumper sticker or wearing the t-shirt? In a word...nope! Is it being perfect, never making mistakes, being happy every second of every day or never ever sinning? No not even that. However, it is getting up every day and making the conscious decision to try. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" Galatians 2:20-21. To me, being a Christian means getting up every day and saying no to yourself and yes to the Lord. I have not perfected this yet, I am working on it daily but there will still be times I sin or make mistakes. But after everything I have seen and done in 25 years of Christ pursuing me I feel like this verse sums it up the best, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all things we are considered more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39. How cool is that? Nothing I have done (and there's a lot), nothing I will do....NOTHING period will make Him stop loving me or pursuing me. It is truly amazing.

I am a Christian. I should definitely be living by a higher set of standards, probably higher than even the set the world wants to hand out. I might even be setting up even higher standards while writing this, we shall see. I should definitely be held accountable when I stumble and fall. I am constantly and forever grateful to know what the grace of God looks like. If you are interested in further discussion on what being a Christian and a follower of Christ looks like and what inspired my change in view points I definitely recommend Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. The book that changed my life, challenged me, and continues to push me. As usual if you have any questions or anything...shoot me a message! I'd love to answer or clarify anything :)

Starting Out...

I think A LOT. Sometimes I think I actually think too much. I never turn it off. My mind is constantly going about one thing or another. Some days its the same thing all day long. Picking some thing apart analyzing it putting it back together and then starting over again from the beginning. Other days (most days) its a million different things with about a dozen different thoughts attached to each one. Yesterday, I was thinking about a Facebook status I wanted to put up and then as I started thinking about exactly what I wanted to say I realized that it would be way too much and way too long for a status. A status that people would probably complain about because it took up too much space, I was on a soap box , or it was way too personal. At the same time a song was playing on my iPod and part of it said "You think you know, but you have no idea," and that is when the idea of a blog came into my mind. This will probably not be something that is very deep but its a way to kind of vent about various things that get into my mind. Its not something you have to read and it is probably not going to be exciting or enlightening. Its personal, yes, because its my life. So if you feel like this is a waste of your time...the X button is right up there. I have no idea who I expect to read this, who I want to read this, who I wouldn't want to read this or even what there will be to read. The title of it basically means I am tired of people assuming they know me or what is going on in my life. Its possible I think too highly of myself to assume that people even really care. I guess the purpose is for me to know that at least if people are still talking, I tried. I tried to set the record straight. I live my life as an open book for the most part. But for some reason most people want to go off of what they have heard or what they think they have seen without ever asking for the reasons behind it. I kind of came up with a policy of sorts when I was 15, "Don't do anything you can't or won't own up to." If there's a reason you wouldn't admit to it, there are several why you shouldn't do it. I am by no means perfect. There are parts of my past that if asked about I would hang my head or cringe in shame as I own up to it. That's almost exactly what I plan to do here. Take things that make me me and explore them. How they happened, why they happened, what I learned from it, what I am still learning. I am and have always been a work in progress. I am not sure the direction this will take. Its just an outlet. All of that being said I do ask that if you're going to read this, please try to have an open mind and not judge me too harshly.