Falling on my face...HARD

I have had these thoughts spinning around in my head for months…tonight I have to get them out and I think I finally have them all processed in a way that might make sense to someone other than me. Before I started this blog I was talking to a friend about it and he said it wasn’t a place where you had to air your dirty laundry but that it was a place where you could hold yourself accountable. Well it is real easy to blog about things and hold yourself accountable when you’re not really doing anything, but when you stumble, when you fall face-down…not as easy.

It has been almost a year since the day I woke up and looked around and could not even remotely recognize my life anymore. My relationship had ended and my dog had died. The comfortable bubble I had spent 2 ½ years of my life in…popped. Now what? All of the plans were gone, and Paris, my source of comfort and love unconditionally for 6 years, was gone. In the beginning it was awesome. I threw myself into the Word. I would spend hours and hour and hours just drinking it in. It was the most amazing feeling. I knew exactly what was going on, for the first time that I can remember I was exactly where I was supposed to be. God called me out of my relationship, He allowed Paris to be taken from me. It was all His will so it would be okay. I was happy, content, and at peace. Except…I would not allow myself to grieve over Paris. It was from God, how could I grieve about that? It started to drain me. Work and school were consuming all of my time. Between trying to find a new normal with my ex and my uncle being diagnosed with cancer my personal life was far from a safe haven. In every spare second I was sleeping and had no desire to see anyone or do anything.

My best friend came into town one day and asked me to come over; I had absolutely no desire to do that…what?! She’s my best friend. At that point we were lucky to see each other every few months; I should’ve wanted to go. That’s when I realized that something was wrong. I had been here before…I was slipping into a depression. As soon as I realized that I was off to see a counselor. (I’m a firm believer in having an unbiased listener; it is good for the soul and mind). I needed to make it through my last semester so against everything I believe I took my medicine and life finally started to feel normal again. She also told me to grieve, so I had to teach myself that it was okay to miss Paris.

Life went on. It has been completely crazy over the past few months…every time I look up another month is ending. I have been learning a lot during this time. Heard a few different things from different people and can’t seem to get them out of my head. “Satan knows how to manipulate you.” “The way that I am pursuing my relationship with Jesus is an exact reflection on how I am pursuing my relationship with you.” “I find that when I am justifying something in my head, it is something I should not be doing.” “Never, ever, ever play the God card.” “Do learn a man’s heart. Don’t judge a man based on a way that you don’t want to be judged.” “This isn’t something that happened to me, this is part of God’s plan for my life.” The things that have been making an impression on me lately are so random, but also so very relevant to me, where I am, and what I hope to accomplish.

A few weeks ago I went to a class at my church called The Struggle for Transformation. It sounded so much like where I am, I had to go. And it was dead on. The class talked about how when we are faced with anything we pick one of two processes. The worldly process tells us what we see want or deserve, then we start placing blame, then we defend or protect ourselves, and pursue a worldly happiness. From that we get temporary satisfaction, see the fallout, feel the guilt or shame, and then we have to start all over. The process we should be doing starts with seeking wisdom in the word, dying to ourselves and what we want, trust God, and then we enter a waiting period. The waiting period will lead to Christ being exalted, proven sufficient, and formed in you. Initially I had gone through all of the steps and was in the waiting period. The waiting period is the hardest part. From there I dropped right down into the wrong path. I ran into my biggest weakness, someone who made me laugh and intrigued me at the same time. From the very beginning I knew not to involve myself in this. But I told myself it was just a friendship, we were just texting and occasionally hanging out. Nothing bad could happen. Boy, did I miscalculate that one. Lines got blurred and arguments happened. Which is natural if you happen to be two of the most stubborn people, and lucky for us that is exactly what we were.

Once that episode ended I was able to see it for what it really was…a distraction. Without that particular distraction I began to see that I had strayed far from where I had intended to go. This is where that first one comes in “Satan knows how to manipulate you.” He played every weakness and doubt I have against me and I ended up face down on a mistake I knew better than to make. Craziest part of it all was that my break-up felt brand new. WHAT? It didn’t hurt this much when it happened, it didn’t hurt seeing him, it didn’t hurt period. So what was going on? I was feeling very raw, very exposed. There were certain people I had talked to sporadically since the break-up that I suddenly couldn’t even bear to make eye contact with. I had no idea what was going on. But I knew I didn’t want to feel it, so I needed more distractions. My distractions vary but no matter what they were I was just using them to avoid the pain, to avoid reality. Then a friend told me “I find that whenever I’m justifying something in my head, it is something I should not be doing.” She was absolutely right. Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m young. Yes, I am free to do what I want, but as I stated months ago, I am held to a higher and different set of standards because I am a Christian.

In my Christian walk I have used several visions to help me see my relationship with Christ. When I was younger it was imagining myself sitting in my Father’s lap and letting Him comfort me and talk me through. As I got older it turned into me imagining just walking hand in hand with Him. I have a new one I can see, that is where He taps me on the shoulder and says as a loving warning, “Adrianne, don’t do this.” My stubborn self usually thinks, “No, let’s just try this one my way, it’ll be okay.” A little more firmly He’ll say, “No, seriously, let me show you my way.” I continue to stubbornly think, “No, really, this time it will be fine.” It never is. I end up falling face first with Him saying, “Okay, back to the beginning, let’s try again.” He is so patient and forgiving with me, I cannot even fathom it. Thankfully, this time I have not had to end up face down to realize that He is not going to let me go too far or give up on me.  

So the question is where am I now? I would love to tell you I have fixed it all, sorted it all out, and I am perfect now, but that is definitely not the case. Where I am now is trying to work through the past few months to see the errors I made and why I made them, and beyond that I am trying to dig into the past few years and attempt to discover what I was supposed to learn from all of that. I am working hard to understand and accept that what I have gone through is not something that happened to me, but instead that it is all a part of God’s plan for my life. The problem that keeps getting in my way is the belief that when there is this much pain, I need someone to blame. So once again, I am still just a work in progress…

True Love?

I really shouldn't be taking the time to blog right now. I am 12 days away from graduation and have more than a lot to get done. However, I feel like with everything going on in my head if I don't write about something other than history, conflict resolution, or theoretical approaches to literature and get some of this out...my head may explode. So here it goes...

True Love. Hmm. I used to know exactly how I felt about that topic. It exists and in time I would find exactly what I was looking for. I never met my grandmother (my mom's mom). She passed away when my mom was 23 and long before I was ever even thought about. My Poppa was the absolute most amazing man I have ever met though. He was sweet, loving, funny, ambitious, and loved the Lord. My mom always told me about her parents and how in love with each other they were. She would talk about how mad my Poppa could get at MiMi, on road trips to the point where he would have to pull over and kick around dirt for a little bit until he calmed down enough to talk to her again or at least be in the car with her again. They could fight with the best of them but never entertained the idea of walking away. Then she would tell me about when her mom got sick. She had a brain tumor and it was fast and furious. She spent the last three months of her life in a coma. My mom would tell me that my Poppa would just sit there and cry and then he would say, "Patti Nell, please open your eyes. Let me see those beautiful brown eyes. Don't you know that's the reason I fell in love with you?" I loved these stories. Always have and probably always will. When I was 15 my Poppa was put in the hospital for the last time. Every weekend me and all of my cousins would meet at the hospital. We didn't want to miss out on anytime we had left with him. As crazy as it sounds these are some of my favorite memories of that sweet man. One of these trips was one of the very few times I heard him talk about my grandmother, and the first time I got to see what true love looked like. He talked about how he saw her for the first time in the library at OHS. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and just like that he was hooked. He went home that day and told his mom he had met the girl he was going to marry. He was absolutely crazy about her. I wish I could remember every word of those stories from that day, but I don't. What I do remember was the look on his face, the only time I ever saw that expression was when he would talk about MiMi. It didn't matter that it had been 27 years since the last time he had seen her, he was still so in love with her. I knew then, that is what I wanted. A man who was like my grandfather. God-fearing, passionate, hard-working, ambitious, and not afraid to fight for the things that mattered. I always believed I would find that. And now...

What has happened? I was having a conversation over the weekend about love and was surprised to hear how cynical I have become. I remember a late night conversation with some of my girl friends that have seen me go through some of the worst when it comes to relationships a few years back where they told me the thing they admired most about me was that after everything I had been through personally and everything I have seen my parents go through that I still believed in love. I'm not sure what I believe anymore. I honestly thought I had found what I was looking for and was just shy of the highest form of a commitment just to watch it all fall apart. I always knew if that happened I would have a hard time trusting again. (Note: It is a red flag if you are having those thoughts while in a committed relationship.) When the break up did happen I just remember thinking whichever way this is supposed to go, God is going to have to heal my heart. At that point I didn't really stop to consider what that would mean in the meantime. I didn't realize how much my views would be affected. Then I heard myself this weekend. Someone was telling me they want true love, and I said simply, "That doesn't exist." I couldn't believe I said that. So much so that that conversation has been in my head for three days now.

So where do I stand? What do I believe? For me, love is a choice you make. It is not a feeling. It is definitely not the butterflies you feel in the beginning of a new relationship. It is hard, it is something you have to work at. It isn't something that comes and stays with no attention being paid to it. It doesn't just happen and it doesn't just die. I have heard people say love dies, or that they have fallen out of love. That is such a cop out. What that really means is that the other person chose to give up. Love doesn't die, people stop working at the relationship. I believe that when you find the person you want to pursue a relationship with you go into it knowing that not every day will be perfect. When the matter of marriage comes up, you have to understand you are guaranteed absolutely nothing in this life and you both will have to make the choice daily to love each other through whatever comes. The world has ugly parts, no one gets a pass on it. As for me, I know these things. I come from a broken home, I know what giving up looks like and what it does to everyone involved. I am 25. I am completely single for the first time in probably 10 years. I have some people who want me to "get back out there," I have some people who completely support my need for time to myself, and I have random people trying to set me up. Honestly, at this point I feel sorry for whoever is next. It will take a lot of convincing for me to believe that he is not going to change his mind one day and leave, or it will take me just taking a leap of faith and dealing with the consequences when they come. I don't have any idea when I will start looking again, and honestly have no idea what I will be looking for when that time does come. I still believe God will heal my heart, I just don't believe it is going to happen over night.

So basically I believe that, yes, true love does still exist. But in order for it to exist and flourish both people have to realize that life will not always be easy but manning up and making it through the tough parts together will make the hard parts even richer.

What I Thought I Knew

There's a lot I think I know. I am always learning though, whether I want to or not. I've heard all my life that I am impossible to talk to because I never think I'm wrong, which is true, I don't ever think I'm wrong. If I thought I was wrong why would I argue about it? I am incredibly stubborn and hard-headed and it is close to impossible to change my mind on something. In hindsight, I can usually tell you the difference in my right and wrong ways of thinking. The difference is...If I think I'm right I'm usually wrong, if I know that I am right I won't back down because I am right. How can you tell the difference if you're arguing with me? Good question. I think I am much more insistent if I have no doubts and know that I know that I know that I am right. When its just something I think I'm right about, I base it on what-ifs and mights. Eventually something happens and shoves whatever it is in to the light and then we have the verdict. But give it some time...it could always change again.

One thing that has been true for as long as I can remember is how I value my things. I take care of them. I guess I can correct myself here, I take care of the things I have paid for, crazy how much that changes when you grow up, get a job, and mom stops doing it all. I know a lady who is just absolutely amazing. I remember one day someone had backed into her brand new car, and she was talking about it, I think I said I would've been livid or something along those lines...and she just said, "Somewhere someone is losing their child, this is nothing." What?! It still makes me laugh because I remember thinking there is no way I could look at it that way. Well, when Paris died it kind of changed everything. She was mine, yes, I adored her. In fact, if you ever wanted to push a button to set me off all you had to do was threaten her or do something to her. I'd fly off the handle like nobody's business. A friend of mine still claims I tried to blow up his truck over her...there is absolutely no truth to that story, but it is a funny example of just how crazy protective of her I was. So when she died, and I felt that kind of pain, it shifted things. In December, my car got backed into at a party, absolutely crushed the front fender. I looked at it, I was dumbfounded, and then I was over it. I assumed that it was because I hadn't finished processing the pain of losing her and eventually I'd be back to normal. But I honestly just didn't care anymore. It was trivial. Then in January, my car got broken into. They got a bag I had just purchased, all of my make-up, the only two pairs of jeans I had that fit, and my hair stuff. I waited to be mad...instead I could care less. The jeans were each about two years old, so ehh I could replace those. The make-up, the hair stuff...all replaceable. I was a little irked about the bag because I had only had it for about two weeks. But once again...I know what real loss is like. And everything here, everything I own, everything I will own, its all temporary and meaningless compared to the relationships in my life and even those are temporary.

Another thing I thought I knew, love. Don't ask me why I thought I knew what love means when it is the thing no one can seem to figure out. I just did. My family, I love them all, really do. The problem with us is not a lack of love, it is that we are all extremely competitive and have ridiculous tempers. So, probably with each of my cousins  and  definitely my brothers I have had a knock down drag out fight at some point. But we love each other, we get over it, and we move on. My best friend of almost 13 years and I have been through things you can't even imagine. Things that the majority of friendships would not make it through. We have seen the best and worst of each other. We've yelled at each other, been in a fist fight, gone months without speaking and yet when life is offering the best or the worst it puts us back together. When you have been friends as long as we have and been through as much as we have, there are just some things you can't imagine going through without the other one. I've had friendships, boyfriends, helped raise babies, and have been in love. I thought I knew what love was. I thought love was timeless. Love is something you do regardless of what the person is doing to you. If I love you at any point, I still do, and always will. I have friends from my past that I don't speak to anymore, and when I see something about them on facebook or if their name comes up in a conversation my heart smiles and I hope they're happy. I think that is love. There are people in my life that have let me down, broken my heart, but I don't hate them. I just want the best for them, I think that is love. I have recently learned about a few new facets. I have high expectations. Its almost crazy. When they aren't met, I get upset. What I am learning now is that you have to love without expectations. Someone once told me that when you love someone you do it based on how you feel, not how you feel they feel about you. So I am also learning that sometimes loving someone means you have to love them enough to let them hate you. Both of these have been , and probably will continue to be hard lessons. I don't like to be disliked period, so I sure don't want to be hated by someone I love. But it's not up to me and is obviously necessary for the time being. It ties into the expectations because I sure never expected it.

I always think I have one thing or another figured out or have just accepted something as fact and then God pulls the rug out from me and I get to discover something new. It really is an amazing thing.

Lessons Learned

Holy moly! I cannot believe it has been almost two months since I last did this. Life has just been on high-speed lately. I can't even begin to keep up! I sat down and started three different posts but each and every time I felt like I had to explain the back story and ended up being 6 pages (front and back) in before I realized I still hadn't reached the point of the post. So today is kind of the back story before I do others of what is currently in my head :). **Disclaimer of sorts: The people I talk about in here, I love. I really do. No matter where life has taken us, I love and care about each one, and thinking nothing bad about any of them.**

I feel like I have been through...a lot. Maybe not as much as others but more than enough for me in my personal opinion. The most common thing people ask me about is my latest break-up. How am I doing? What happened? Will we get back together? Did I know this? Did I know that? Most people who don't know us or don't speak to either of us didn't even realize it was over, but are now catching on.  Every one wants to talk about it and give their two cents about why it didn't work, how it might still work, and what I should do now. Thanks but no thanks. For the most part I keep it to myself. I didn't get on facebook and blast my ex or our relationship when it ended or at any point since. I didn't call each and every person in my phone. I don't think about it now. I just let it be. And here is why...

Once upon a time I had never had my heart broken and I fell hard for the guy that every girl falls for at some point in her life. He's charming, funny, good looking, and the best manipulator I have ever met. As I am typing this Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood comes on Pandora...definitely fitting. In that (for lack of a better word) relationship, I got lost. Every single thing I did was based on what I thought he'd think about it. By the end of it I had no idea who I was without him. I only had myself to blame for that though. The break-up or life post break-up was absolutely brutal. And what I learned at the end of it was to never let that happen again. My next relationship was the polar opposite of the first. It was fun, light, and easy. He and I knew there was no future and in four months we wouldn't even be in the same town...we could just date until then and then move on with life. Terrible, horrible, stupid idea...don't ever do it. Our break-up took about 8 months. Yep...twice the length of our relationship.

So here I am now, dealing with break-up number three. (If you know me and are attempting to figure out how I came up with that number, I only count the three most significant as relationships and break-ups lol.) The thing about this one is that I really do feel like I should be taking it worse than I am. After all there was a ring and future planned out. I will do my very bet to explain without getting too personal, because honestly it is not anyone's business but I don't mind explaining what I am going through and how it has changed how I see things. So, he broke up with me. Originally I was in shock. Then, as it set in that this was for real, the past two and a half years were done and it was time to move forward I went through several different emotions. The first night I cried, of course. The next day, though, I was driving to work and I remember thinking, "I got over [the first break-up], I'll get over this too." The love I felt for each of them was completely different. The first was my first love but the last was the first time I had been in love. But this time I had not lost myself. I had not let myself get so wrapped up in promises that I stopped thinking about how to protect myself or take care of myself. New emotion, determination. A few days later I read a book called Not a Fan. It was the biggest slap in the face. The gist of the book is are you a fan or a follower of God? Do you go to church? Have the bumper sticker? Or do you live your life listening to what God says and going where He calls you? I am not proud to say I was a fan. There had been a time in my relationship where I was praying to become closer to God, to understand what it meant to be in love with God. He very clearly one day told me I needed t step away from my relationship. I couldn't do it, I knew it was going to hurt and I don't like to hurt. One of those things where if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. So then a new emotion came in, acceptance. It was okay. It was in God's hands. Whether it is temporary or not, it will be okay and is something we both need. I was so mad at myself for not trusting God to begin with. He has proved time and time again He knows what is the best for me. Before my break-up the three most important things to me were my mom, my dog, and my boyfriend. I told God that if he needed either of the other two to get my attention, He could have them. It would suck, but I would be okay. My first test came 10 days after my break-up...Paris went into diabetic shock and died. I had no idea she had it, didn't even know dogs could get diabetes. Paris was my baby, I loved her more than words can say and probably more than some would classify as normal. But her passing compared to my break-up made my break-up look like nothing.

I know that sounds bad. It sounds really bad. I'm not heartless. I love(d) him. The thing is the night Paris died and all of her life, I did whatever I could. The night she died I did absolutely everything I could to save her. In the end there was nothing I could do. I view my relationship the same way. I made a promise. For two and a half years I did absolutely everything I could to keep that promise, the only thing I can do now is be thankful for being able to see everything the way I do now. Which brings me to another thing I have learned, that is to not view the past through rose colored glasses. You know what I mean...after a break-up everything about your relationship looks just so perfect and you can't imagine what went wrong. With the first one I would think about how funny he was, now I realize we would've eventually killed each other. With the second, I missed a lot of different things, now I see that we brought the absolute worst out in each other. And with the last, I don't miss the relationship at all because I have been able to see things I missed while I was in it, I do miss our friendship though. You know, the things that cracked y'all up and no one else gets. (Lucky for me I gained one friend during that time who gets a lot of them.) But the point is if it was as perfect as you remember it, it wouldn't be over.

Relationships are a part of life. They all end one way or another. Out of the three I still occasionally talk to one of them. And its not the one you would guess. I love them all. They all taught me a lot. I do not hate them or regret the time I spent with them. When an end is inevitable, all you can do is let go. You can't control anyone or anything but yourself. That was a hard lesson for me to learn.

"I thought you were a Christian"

This is absolutely without a doubt my biggest pet peeve. When I stumble and hear someone say, "but aren't you supposed to be a Christian?" Yes, yes I am. I am a Christian. I should definitely be held to a higher set of standards, but the only thing it shows me is that whoever says things like this has absolutely no idea what it means to be a Christian.

I think the annoyance for me began while I was in high school. I went to a Christian Private school, and while I absolutely refuse to make a judgement about anyone's heart and/or their salvation I will still say we were kids. The difference in us and public school kids came down to the fact that our parents paid tuition to keep us in a smaller environment and out of the public school system. It always made me laugh with all of the things that were most likely going on with the public school system we were the school broadcasted on the news when something happened that didn't appear "Christian." I loved my high school, even loved the bible classes and chapel but the label was on the school, not on each and every one of the students in the body. While that bothered me, I kind of understood because I knew that Christians are held to a higher standard, but at the same time I believe the school as an institution tried but when it came right down to it no one can control anyone else. So that is my rant on defending my school and the people I went with at the same time...

I was raised in church, my mom read me bible stories before bedtime. My aunt showed me pretty pictures of heaven and I told her I wanted to go there, so I was baptized at 6. I always knew who Jesus was and said so when I was asked. But being a Christian is so much more than just saying that. In elementary school it wasn't so much an issue, in junior high it got tougher, in high school I was thoroughly confused, and after high school....it has been quite the roller coaster. Since I have already defended the school and its students now I'll talk about myself in high school. Quite simply I was all over the place. At that point in time I was living about four different lives: the me I was with my family, the me I was with the boy of that time period, the me I was with my friends from Odessa, and the me I was with my newest friends in Midland. There are a lot of things I think I did right, but there's a lot more I think I did wrong. If you got me on an off a day I probably said something to you that you will never forget, I could be absolutely brutal. (If one of those people is reading this, you should know I remember it too and still hold myself accountable.) No words could apologize enough in some of those cases. No one was safe from that, probably one of the worst things I ever did was to one of my very best friends. I think about a month ago I apologized once again. Thankfully she loves me and forgave me years ago. I don't remember what the on days looked like, I probably was literally all over the place. I had one group of friends I was always friends with but I also had other groups I'd bounce in and out of. I can't think of very many people I didn't like there, even though I can think of several who hated me. :) I think a lot of the time I was too caught up in my own world to pay attention. Something I am proud of is that I made it to sweet 17 with never being kissed. I wanted that perfect first kiss, and depending on how you look at it, it was worth the wait. Another thing I am proud of is that I was able to love someone (as much as a 15-18 year old girl can) without breaking the morals and values my mom had taught me. But I lost myself in all of that. Senior year through me for a loop. It tested me in ways I was not quite ready for and stressed me out beyond the point of being healthy. God tested me over and over and over. I prayed and cried. I sought mentors and advice. Two ladies at my school held my hand and walked me through the things I was struggling with, trying everything they could think of to help me find myself. Finally on March 16, 2005, I found the me I wanted to be. A portion of my testimony is in my yearbook from that year. I say portion, because of everything that has happened since then. That day still sticks out so clearly in my mind, the freedom I felt was indescribable. Accepting Christ, being saved those are actions that demand other actions to back them up. It was about three weeks later that I received my first test on my new walk. I failed miserably. Once people found out, which they always do in a small school or small town, especially since I have such a big mouth. I heard a lot of the "Didn't she just get saved?" Yes I had and their words did nothing to me. I felt like a complete failure all by myself. But the school year ended without further incident and in the fall I went to ACU. I was in the middle of the bible belt, surrounded with a wonderful group of friends. Easy again. But I was still living life and layers, ACU was just another personality, but I didn't mind because the girl I was there was the person I wanted to be. Second semester, A LOT happened. I could go into it now but that's a story for another day. Probably one I'll never type, but if you knew me then and have questions I'm more than willing to answer them. My relationship with Christ suffered. I walked away. I was so lost. It wasn't that I didn't want to follow Him anymore, it was that I was searching the world for things that made me happy in the moment. That train of thought lead me down a path that is full of the things I mentioned before that would bring out reactions of shame and regret. The paths I was taking kept leading me to the same end result. I wasn't happy. I knew what I didn't want. I didn't want to keep living in layers, I didn't want the life I had been living. I found the answer through a great bible study group. With those girls I held myself completely accountable. Told them everything I had done and that I was not perfect, I would never be perfect, but I am a Christian and would continue to pursue Christ. It was awesome and so freeing, not feeling like I had to conceal my past in order to be accepted and loved. Here I am now...it has been almost seven years since the day I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and decided to follow Him. It has been over 3 years since I began to pursue Him, and its been about 4 months since I discovered I can never do it enough. But He has been pursuing me for nearly 25 years. How crazy is that?!

So what does it mean to be a Christian? Is it saying, "I'm a Christian," or "I believe in God."? Is it going to church once a week? Is it having a Christian bumper sticker or wearing the t-shirt? In a word...nope! Is it being perfect, never making mistakes, being happy every second of every day or never ever sinning? No not even that. However, it is getting up every day and making the conscious decision to try. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" Galatians 2:20-21. To me, being a Christian means getting up every day and saying no to yourself and yes to the Lord. I have not perfected this yet, I am working on it daily but there will still be times I sin or make mistakes. But after everything I have seen and done in 25 years of Christ pursuing me I feel like this verse sums it up the best, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all things we are considered more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39. How cool is that? Nothing I have done (and there's a lot), nothing I will do....NOTHING period will make Him stop loving me or pursuing me. It is truly amazing.

I am a Christian. I should definitely be living by a higher set of standards, probably higher than even the set the world wants to hand out. I might even be setting up even higher standards while writing this, we shall see. I should definitely be held accountable when I stumble and fall. I am constantly and forever grateful to know what the grace of God looks like. If you are interested in further discussion on what being a Christian and a follower of Christ looks like and what inspired my change in view points I definitely recommend Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. The book that changed my life, challenged me, and continues to push me. As usual if you have any questions or anything...shoot me a message! I'd love to answer or clarify anything :)

Starting Out...

I think A LOT. Sometimes I think I actually think too much. I never turn it off. My mind is constantly going about one thing or another. Some days its the same thing all day long. Picking some thing apart analyzing it putting it back together and then starting over again from the beginning. Other days (most days) its a million different things with about a dozen different thoughts attached to each one. Yesterday, I was thinking about a Facebook status I wanted to put up and then as I started thinking about exactly what I wanted to say I realized that it would be way too much and way too long for a status. A status that people would probably complain about because it took up too much space, I was on a soap box , or it was way too personal. At the same time a song was playing on my iPod and part of it said "You think you know, but you have no idea," and that is when the idea of a blog came into my mind. This will probably not be something that is very deep but its a way to kind of vent about various things that get into my mind. Its not something you have to read and it is probably not going to be exciting or enlightening. Its personal, yes, because its my life. So if you feel like this is a waste of your time...the X button is right up there. I have no idea who I expect to read this, who I want to read this, who I wouldn't want to read this or even what there will be to read. The title of it basically means I am tired of people assuming they know me or what is going on in my life. Its possible I think too highly of myself to assume that people even really care. I guess the purpose is for me to know that at least if people are still talking, I tried. I tried to set the record straight. I live my life as an open book for the most part. But for some reason most people want to go off of what they have heard or what they think they have seen without ever asking for the reasons behind it. I kind of came up with a policy of sorts when I was 15, "Don't do anything you can't or won't own up to." If there's a reason you wouldn't admit to it, there are several why you shouldn't do it. I am by no means perfect. There are parts of my past that if asked about I would hang my head or cringe in shame as I own up to it. That's almost exactly what I plan to do here. Take things that make me me and explore them. How they happened, why they happened, what I learned from it, what I am still learning. I am and have always been a work in progress. I am not sure the direction this will take. Its just an outlet. All of that being said I do ask that if you're going to read this, please try to have an open mind and not judge me too harshly.