What I Thought I Knew

There's a lot I think I know. I am always learning though, whether I want to or not. I've heard all my life that I am impossible to talk to because I never think I'm wrong, which is true, I don't ever think I'm wrong. If I thought I was wrong why would I argue about it? I am incredibly stubborn and hard-headed and it is close to impossible to change my mind on something. In hindsight, I can usually tell you the difference in my right and wrong ways of thinking. The difference is...If I think I'm right I'm usually wrong, if I know that I am right I won't back down because I am right. How can you tell the difference if you're arguing with me? Good question. I think I am much more insistent if I have no doubts and know that I know that I know that I am right. When its just something I think I'm right about, I base it on what-ifs and mights. Eventually something happens and shoves whatever it is in to the light and then we have the verdict. But give it some time...it could always change again.

One thing that has been true for as long as I can remember is how I value my things. I take care of them. I guess I can correct myself here, I take care of the things I have paid for, crazy how much that changes when you grow up, get a job, and mom stops doing it all. I know a lady who is just absolutely amazing. I remember one day someone had backed into her brand new car, and she was talking about it, I think I said I would've been livid or something along those lines...and she just said, "Somewhere someone is losing their child, this is nothing." What?! It still makes me laugh because I remember thinking there is no way I could look at it that way. Well, when Paris died it kind of changed everything. She was mine, yes, I adored her. In fact, if you ever wanted to push a button to set me off all you had to do was threaten her or do something to her. I'd fly off the handle like nobody's business. A friend of mine still claims I tried to blow up his truck over her...there is absolutely no truth to that story, but it is a funny example of just how crazy protective of her I was. So when she died, and I felt that kind of pain, it shifted things. In December, my car got backed into at a party, absolutely crushed the front fender. I looked at it, I was dumbfounded, and then I was over it. I assumed that it was because I hadn't finished processing the pain of losing her and eventually I'd be back to normal. But I honestly just didn't care anymore. It was trivial. Then in January, my car got broken into. They got a bag I had just purchased, all of my make-up, the only two pairs of jeans I had that fit, and my hair stuff. I waited to be mad...instead I could care less. The jeans were each about two years old, so ehh I could replace those. The make-up, the hair stuff...all replaceable. I was a little irked about the bag because I had only had it for about two weeks. But once again...I know what real loss is like. And everything here, everything I own, everything I will own, its all temporary and meaningless compared to the relationships in my life and even those are temporary.

Another thing I thought I knew, love. Don't ask me why I thought I knew what love means when it is the thing no one can seem to figure out. I just did. My family, I love them all, really do. The problem with us is not a lack of love, it is that we are all extremely competitive and have ridiculous tempers. So, probably with each of my cousins  and  definitely my brothers I have had a knock down drag out fight at some point. But we love each other, we get over it, and we move on. My best friend of almost 13 years and I have been through things you can't even imagine. Things that the majority of friendships would not make it through. We have seen the best and worst of each other. We've yelled at each other, been in a fist fight, gone months without speaking and yet when life is offering the best or the worst it puts us back together. When you have been friends as long as we have and been through as much as we have, there are just some things you can't imagine going through without the other one. I've had friendships, boyfriends, helped raise babies, and have been in love. I thought I knew what love was. I thought love was timeless. Love is something you do regardless of what the person is doing to you. If I love you at any point, I still do, and always will. I have friends from my past that I don't speak to anymore, and when I see something about them on facebook or if their name comes up in a conversation my heart smiles and I hope they're happy. I think that is love. There are people in my life that have let me down, broken my heart, but I don't hate them. I just want the best for them, I think that is love. I have recently learned about a few new facets. I have high expectations. Its almost crazy. When they aren't met, I get upset. What I am learning now is that you have to love without expectations. Someone once told me that when you love someone you do it based on how you feel, not how you feel they feel about you. So I am also learning that sometimes loving someone means you have to love them enough to let them hate you. Both of these have been , and probably will continue to be hard lessons. I don't like to be disliked period, so I sure don't want to be hated by someone I love. But it's not up to me and is obviously necessary for the time being. It ties into the expectations because I sure never expected it.

I always think I have one thing or another figured out or have just accepted something as fact and then God pulls the rug out from me and I get to discover something new. It really is an amazing thing.