True Love?

I really shouldn't be taking the time to blog right now. I am 12 days away from graduation and have more than a lot to get done. However, I feel like with everything going on in my head if I don't write about something other than history, conflict resolution, or theoretical approaches to literature and get some of this out...my head may explode. So here it goes...

True Love. Hmm. I used to know exactly how I felt about that topic. It exists and in time I would find exactly what I was looking for. I never met my grandmother (my mom's mom). She passed away when my mom was 23 and long before I was ever even thought about. My Poppa was the absolute most amazing man I have ever met though. He was sweet, loving, funny, ambitious, and loved the Lord. My mom always told me about her parents and how in love with each other they were. She would talk about how mad my Poppa could get at MiMi, on road trips to the point where he would have to pull over and kick around dirt for a little bit until he calmed down enough to talk to her again or at least be in the car with her again. They could fight with the best of them but never entertained the idea of walking away. Then she would tell me about when her mom got sick. She had a brain tumor and it was fast and furious. She spent the last three months of her life in a coma. My mom would tell me that my Poppa would just sit there and cry and then he would say, "Patti Nell, please open your eyes. Let me see those beautiful brown eyes. Don't you know that's the reason I fell in love with you?" I loved these stories. Always have and probably always will. When I was 15 my Poppa was put in the hospital for the last time. Every weekend me and all of my cousins would meet at the hospital. We didn't want to miss out on anytime we had left with him. As crazy as it sounds these are some of my favorite memories of that sweet man. One of these trips was one of the very few times I heard him talk about my grandmother, and the first time I got to see what true love looked like. He talked about how he saw her for the first time in the library at OHS. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and just like that he was hooked. He went home that day and told his mom he had met the girl he was going to marry. He was absolutely crazy about her. I wish I could remember every word of those stories from that day, but I don't. What I do remember was the look on his face, the only time I ever saw that expression was when he would talk about MiMi. It didn't matter that it had been 27 years since the last time he had seen her, he was still so in love with her. I knew then, that is what I wanted. A man who was like my grandfather. God-fearing, passionate, hard-working, ambitious, and not afraid to fight for the things that mattered. I always believed I would find that. And now...

What has happened? I was having a conversation over the weekend about love and was surprised to hear how cynical I have become. I remember a late night conversation with some of my girl friends that have seen me go through some of the worst when it comes to relationships a few years back where they told me the thing they admired most about me was that after everything I had been through personally and everything I have seen my parents go through that I still believed in love. I'm not sure what I believe anymore. I honestly thought I had found what I was looking for and was just shy of the highest form of a commitment just to watch it all fall apart. I always knew if that happened I would have a hard time trusting again. (Note: It is a red flag if you are having those thoughts while in a committed relationship.) When the break up did happen I just remember thinking whichever way this is supposed to go, God is going to have to heal my heart. At that point I didn't really stop to consider what that would mean in the meantime. I didn't realize how much my views would be affected. Then I heard myself this weekend. Someone was telling me they want true love, and I said simply, "That doesn't exist." I couldn't believe I said that. So much so that that conversation has been in my head for three days now.

So where do I stand? What do I believe? For me, love is a choice you make. It is not a feeling. It is definitely not the butterflies you feel in the beginning of a new relationship. It is hard, it is something you have to work at. It isn't something that comes and stays with no attention being paid to it. It doesn't just happen and it doesn't just die. I have heard people say love dies, or that they have fallen out of love. That is such a cop out. What that really means is that the other person chose to give up. Love doesn't die, people stop working at the relationship. I believe that when you find the person you want to pursue a relationship with you go into it knowing that not every day will be perfect. When the matter of marriage comes up, you have to understand you are guaranteed absolutely nothing in this life and you both will have to make the choice daily to love each other through whatever comes. The world has ugly parts, no one gets a pass on it. As for me, I know these things. I come from a broken home, I know what giving up looks like and what it does to everyone involved. I am 25. I am completely single for the first time in probably 10 years. I have some people who want me to "get back out there," I have some people who completely support my need for time to myself, and I have random people trying to set me up. Honestly, at this point I feel sorry for whoever is next. It will take a lot of convincing for me to believe that he is not going to change his mind one day and leave, or it will take me just taking a leap of faith and dealing with the consequences when they come. I don't have any idea when I will start looking again, and honestly have no idea what I will be looking for when that time does come. I still believe God will heal my heart, I just don't believe it is going to happen over night.

So basically I believe that, yes, true love does still exist. But in order for it to exist and flourish both people have to realize that life will not always be easy but manning up and making it through the tough parts together will make the hard parts even richer.