There's a lot I think I know. I am always learning though, whether I want to or not. I've heard all my life that I am impossible to talk to because I never think I'm wrong, which is true, I don't ever think I'm wrong. If I thought I was wrong why would I argue about it? I am incredibly stubborn and hard-headed and it is close to impossible to change my mind on something. In hindsight, I can usually tell you the difference in my right and wrong ways of thinking. The difference is...If I think I'm right I'm usually wrong, if I know that I am right I won't back down because I am right. How can you tell the difference if you're arguing with me? Good question. I think I am much more insistent if I have no doubts and know that I know that I know that I am right. When its just something I think I'm right about, I base it on what-ifs and mights. Eventually something happens and shoves whatever it is in to the light and then we have the verdict. But give it some time...it could always change again.
One thing that has been true for as long as I can remember is how I value my things. I take care of them. I guess I can correct myself here, I take care of the things I have paid for, crazy how much that changes when you grow up, get a job, and mom stops doing it all. I know a lady who is just absolutely amazing. I remember one day someone had backed into her brand new car, and she was talking about it, I think I said I would've been livid or something along those lines...and she just said, "Somewhere someone is losing their child, this is nothing." What?! It still makes me laugh because I remember thinking there is no way I could look at it that way. Well, when Paris died it kind of changed everything. She was mine, yes, I adored her. In fact, if you ever wanted to push a button to set me off all you had to do was threaten her or do something to her. I'd fly off the handle like nobody's business. A friend of mine still claims I tried to blow up his truck over her...there is absolutely no truth to that story, but it is a funny example of just how crazy protective of her I was. So when she died, and I felt that kind of pain, it shifted things. In December, my car got backed into at a party, absolutely crushed the front fender. I looked at it, I was dumbfounded, and then I was over it. I assumed that it was because I hadn't finished processing the pain of losing her and eventually I'd be back to normal. But I honestly just didn't care anymore. It was trivial. Then in January, my car got broken into. They got a bag I had just purchased, all of my make-up, the only two pairs of jeans I had that fit, and my hair stuff. I waited to be mad...instead I could care less. The jeans were each about two years old, so ehh I could replace those. The make-up, the hair stuff...all replaceable. I was a little irked about the bag because I had only had it for about two weeks. But once again...I know what real loss is like. And everything here, everything I own, everything I will own, its all temporary and meaningless compared to the relationships in my life and even those are temporary.
Another thing I thought I knew, love. Don't ask me why I thought I knew what love means when it is the thing no one can seem to figure out. I just did. My family, I love them all, really do. The problem with us is not a lack of love, it is that we are all extremely competitive and have ridiculous tempers. So, probably with each of my cousins and definitely my brothers I have had a knock down drag out fight at some point. But we love each other, we get over it, and we move on. My best friend of almost 13 years and I have been through things you can't even imagine. Things that the majority of friendships would not make it through. We have seen the best and worst of each other. We've yelled at each other, been in a fist fight, gone months without speaking and yet when life is offering the best or the worst it puts us back together. When you have been friends as long as we have and been through as much as we have, there are just some things you can't imagine going through without the other one. I've had friendships, boyfriends, helped raise babies, and have been in love. I thought I knew what love was. I thought love was timeless. Love is something you do regardless of what the person is doing to you. If I love you at any point, I still do, and always will. I have friends from my past that I don't speak to anymore, and when I see something about them on facebook or if their name comes up in a conversation my heart smiles and I hope they're happy. I think that is love. There are people in my life that have let me down, broken my heart, but I don't hate them. I just want the best for them, I think that is love. I have recently learned about a few new facets. I have high expectations. Its almost crazy. When they aren't met, I get upset. What I am learning now is that you have to love without expectations. Someone once told me that when you love someone you do it based on how you feel, not how you feel they feel about you. So I am also learning that sometimes loving someone means you have to love them enough to let them hate you. Both of these have been , and probably will continue to be hard lessons. I don't like to be disliked period, so I sure don't want to be hated by someone I love. But it's not up to me and is obviously necessary for the time being. It ties into the expectations because I sure never expected it.
I always think I have one thing or another figured out or have just accepted something as fact and then God pulls the rug out from me and I get to discover something new. It really is an amazing thing.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Lessons Learned
Holy moly! I cannot believe it has been almost two months since I last did this. Life has just been on high-speed lately. I can't even begin to keep up! I sat down and started three different posts but each and every time I felt like I had to explain the back story and ended up being 6 pages (front and back) in before I realized I still hadn't reached the point of the post. So today is kind of the back story before I do others of what is currently in my head :). **Disclaimer of sorts: The people I talk about in here, I love. I really do. No matter where life has taken us, I love and care about each one, and thinking nothing bad about any of them.**
I feel like I have been through...a lot. Maybe not as much as others but more than enough for me in my personal opinion. The most common thing people ask me about is my latest break-up. How am I doing? What happened? Will we get back together? Did I know this? Did I know that? Most people who don't know us or don't speak to either of us didn't even realize it was over, but are now catching on. Every one wants to talk about it and give their two cents about why it didn't work, how it might still work, and what I should do now. Thanks but no thanks. For the most part I keep it to myself. I didn't get on facebook and blast my ex or our relationship when it ended or at any point since. I didn't call each and every person in my phone. I don't think about it now. I just let it be. And here is why...
Once upon a time I had never had my heart broken and I fell hard for the guy that every girl falls for at some point in her life. He's charming, funny, good looking, and the best manipulator I have ever met. As I am typing this Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood comes on Pandora...definitely fitting. In that (for lack of a better word) relationship, I got lost. Every single thing I did was based on what I thought he'd think about it. By the end of it I had no idea who I was without him. I only had myself to blame for that though. The break-up or life post break-up was absolutely brutal. And what I learned at the end of it was to never let that happen again. My next relationship was the polar opposite of the first. It was fun, light, and easy. He and I knew there was no future and in four months we wouldn't even be in the same town...we could just date until then and then move on with life. Terrible, horrible, stupid idea...don't ever do it. Our break-up took about 8 months. Yep...twice the length of our relationship.
So here I am now, dealing with break-up number three. (If you know me and are attempting to figure out how I came up with that number, I only count the three most significant as relationships and break-ups lol.) The thing about this one is that I really do feel like I should be taking it worse than I am. After all there was a ring and future planned out. I will do my very bet to explain without getting too personal, because honestly it is not anyone's business but I don't mind explaining what I am going through and how it has changed how I see things. So, he broke up with me. Originally I was in shock. Then, as it set in that this was for real, the past two and a half years were done and it was time to move forward I went through several different emotions. The first night I cried, of course. The next day, though, I was driving to work and I remember thinking, "I got over [the first break-up], I'll get over this too." The love I felt for each of them was completely different. The first was my first love but the last was the first time I had been in love. But this time I had not lost myself. I had not let myself get so wrapped up in promises that I stopped thinking about how to protect myself or take care of myself. New emotion, determination. A few days later I read a book called Not a Fan. It was the biggest slap in the face. The gist of the book is are you a fan or a follower of God? Do you go to church? Have the bumper sticker? Or do you live your life listening to what God says and going where He calls you? I am not proud to say I was a fan. There had been a time in my relationship where I was praying to become closer to God, to understand what it meant to be in love with God. He very clearly one day told me I needed t step away from my relationship. I couldn't do it, I knew it was going to hurt and I don't like to hurt. One of those things where if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. So then a new emotion came in, acceptance. It was okay. It was in God's hands. Whether it is temporary or not, it will be okay and is something we both need. I was so mad at myself for not trusting God to begin with. He has proved time and time again He knows what is the best for me. Before my break-up the three most important things to me were my mom, my dog, and my boyfriend. I told God that if he needed either of the other two to get my attention, He could have them. It would suck, but I would be okay. My first test came 10 days after my break-up...Paris went into diabetic shock and died. I had no idea she had it, didn't even know dogs could get diabetes. Paris was my baby, I loved her more than words can say and probably more than some would classify as normal. But her passing compared to my break-up made my break-up look like nothing.
I know that sounds bad. It sounds really bad. I'm not heartless. I love(d) him. The thing is the night Paris died and all of her life, I did whatever I could. The night she died I did absolutely everything I could to save her. In the end there was nothing I could do. I view my relationship the same way. I made a promise. For two and a half years I did absolutely everything I could to keep that promise, the only thing I can do now is be thankful for being able to see everything the way I do now. Which brings me to another thing I have learned, that is to not view the past through rose colored glasses. You know what I mean...after a break-up everything about your relationship looks just so perfect and you can't imagine what went wrong. With the first one I would think about how funny he was, now I realize we would've eventually killed each other. With the second, I missed a lot of different things, now I see that we brought the absolute worst out in each other. And with the last, I don't miss the relationship at all because I have been able to see things I missed while I was in it, I do miss our friendship though. You know, the things that cracked y'all up and no one else gets. (Lucky for me I gained one friend during that time who gets a lot of them.) But the point is if it was as perfect as you remember it, it wouldn't be over.
Relationships are a part of life. They all end one way or another. Out of the three I still occasionally talk to one of them. And its not the one you would guess. I love them all. They all taught me a lot. I do not hate them or regret the time I spent with them. When an end is inevitable, all you can do is let go. You can't control anyone or anything but yourself. That was a hard lesson for me to learn.
I feel like I have been through...a lot. Maybe not as much as others but more than enough for me in my personal opinion. The most common thing people ask me about is my latest break-up. How am I doing? What happened? Will we get back together? Did I know this? Did I know that? Most people who don't know us or don't speak to either of us didn't even realize it was over, but are now catching on. Every one wants to talk about it and give their two cents about why it didn't work, how it might still work, and what I should do now. Thanks but no thanks. For the most part I keep it to myself. I didn't get on facebook and blast my ex or our relationship when it ended or at any point since. I didn't call each and every person in my phone. I don't think about it now. I just let it be. And here is why...
Once upon a time I had never had my heart broken and I fell hard for the guy that every girl falls for at some point in her life. He's charming, funny, good looking, and the best manipulator I have ever met. As I am typing this Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood comes on Pandora...definitely fitting. In that (for lack of a better word) relationship, I got lost. Every single thing I did was based on what I thought he'd think about it. By the end of it I had no idea who I was without him. I only had myself to blame for that though. The break-up or life post break-up was absolutely brutal. And what I learned at the end of it was to never let that happen again. My next relationship was the polar opposite of the first. It was fun, light, and easy. He and I knew there was no future and in four months we wouldn't even be in the same town...we could just date until then and then move on with life. Terrible, horrible, stupid idea...don't ever do it. Our break-up took about 8 months. Yep...twice the length of our relationship.
So here I am now, dealing with break-up number three. (If you know me and are attempting to figure out how I came up with that number, I only count the three most significant as relationships and break-ups lol.) The thing about this one is that I really do feel like I should be taking it worse than I am. After all there was a ring and future planned out. I will do my very bet to explain without getting too personal, because honestly it is not anyone's business but I don't mind explaining what I am going through and how it has changed how I see things. So, he broke up with me. Originally I was in shock. Then, as it set in that this was for real, the past two and a half years were done and it was time to move forward I went through several different emotions. The first night I cried, of course. The next day, though, I was driving to work and I remember thinking, "I got over [the first break-up], I'll get over this too." The love I felt for each of them was completely different. The first was my first love but the last was the first time I had been in love. But this time I had not lost myself. I had not let myself get so wrapped up in promises that I stopped thinking about how to protect myself or take care of myself. New emotion, determination. A few days later I read a book called Not a Fan. It was the biggest slap in the face. The gist of the book is are you a fan or a follower of God? Do you go to church? Have the bumper sticker? Or do you live your life listening to what God says and going where He calls you? I am not proud to say I was a fan. There had been a time in my relationship where I was praying to become closer to God, to understand what it meant to be in love with God. He very clearly one day told me I needed t step away from my relationship. I couldn't do it, I knew it was going to hurt and I don't like to hurt. One of those things where if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. So then a new emotion came in, acceptance. It was okay. It was in God's hands. Whether it is temporary or not, it will be okay and is something we both need. I was so mad at myself for not trusting God to begin with. He has proved time and time again He knows what is the best for me. Before my break-up the three most important things to me were my mom, my dog, and my boyfriend. I told God that if he needed either of the other two to get my attention, He could have them. It would suck, but I would be okay. My first test came 10 days after my break-up...Paris went into diabetic shock and died. I had no idea she had it, didn't even know dogs could get diabetes. Paris was my baby, I loved her more than words can say and probably more than some would classify as normal. But her passing compared to my break-up made my break-up look like nothing.
I know that sounds bad. It sounds really bad. I'm not heartless. I love(d) him. The thing is the night Paris died and all of her life, I did whatever I could. The night she died I did absolutely everything I could to save her. In the end there was nothing I could do. I view my relationship the same way. I made a promise. For two and a half years I did absolutely everything I could to keep that promise, the only thing I can do now is be thankful for being able to see everything the way I do now. Which brings me to another thing I have learned, that is to not view the past through rose colored glasses. You know what I mean...after a break-up everything about your relationship looks just so perfect and you can't imagine what went wrong. With the first one I would think about how funny he was, now I realize we would've eventually killed each other. With the second, I missed a lot of different things, now I see that we brought the absolute worst out in each other. And with the last, I don't miss the relationship at all because I have been able to see things I missed while I was in it, I do miss our friendship though. You know, the things that cracked y'all up and no one else gets. (Lucky for me I gained one friend during that time who gets a lot of them.) But the point is if it was as perfect as you remember it, it wouldn't be over.
Relationships are a part of life. They all end one way or another. Out of the three I still occasionally talk to one of them. And its not the one you would guess. I love them all. They all taught me a lot. I do not hate them or regret the time I spent with them. When an end is inevitable, all you can do is let go. You can't control anyone or anything but yourself. That was a hard lesson for me to learn.
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